Friday 21 November 2014

The Arranged Marriage Saga: The Checklist

My friend who is on a groom hunt showed me her very short checklist:
  1. Good looking
  2. Rich
  3. Good personality (optional; she intends to customize him)
My checklist want-list:



Dear future boyfriend/lover/husband/partner,
  1. I don't care about your level of qualification
    I just want you to be an asset to society
  2. I don't care about the kind of money you make
    I just want you to take good care of your family (parents & siblings)
  3. I don't care if you are fat or skinny
    I just don't want you to eat/ starve yourself to an early grave
  4. I don't care if you drink
    I just don't want you to drink yourself to an early death
  5. I don't care if you smoke
    I just don't want you to be anywhere near me with your smoker's breath
    Also, don't die early because of your smoking habit
  6. I don't care that you have a past
    I just want you to acknowledge it and be honest about it
  7. I don't care that you have an accent
    I just need you to have good English vocabulary and grammar 
  8. I don't care if you have a porn collection or look at other women
    If you stare at them and make them uncomfortable,
    be rest assured, I will make your life hell
    There are enough creeps out there making our skin crawl
    We don't need another one
    Needless to add, you'll be left then and there
  9. I don't care if you are a feminist or any '-ist' at all
    You will treat me as an equal
    I will also be contributing financially
    to the household
    And you will be okay with it
  10. I don't care if it makes you feel less manly
    You will be doing chores around the house 
  11. Most importantly
  • I don't care what you think
    But I'll always love my dad more than I love you
    He is the only man I have fallen for with no conditions attached
  • I don't care what you think
    But to me, my mom was, is and will always be the greatest woman to have inhabited Planet Earth
  • I don't care what you think
    But my sibling is my first and only baby, always has been, always will be

How many prospective grooms do we have left for me? None, you say?

Tuesday 4 November 2014

The Arranged Marriage Saga: Overhear-ment

You realize that you are having an out of body experience when overhear your mom speaking to a relative about your horoscope. And then, you hear only snippets of what mom is saying over the phone, which sound vaguely like this:
1. A lot of agreement interjected with "aha!", "oho!", "accha!", "okay!", "yes, yes!", "aamaam" (Tamil for 'yes')
2. She is 23 now.
3. When? 2015 aa? If not 2015 then when? 3years later? That's too late!
4. Yes, she wants to study further, so we are thinking of someone in the US.
5. Yes, we are coming down south in x month, this year.
6. Why don't you ask ABC Mama to do some introductions? I don't want her to get annoyed, though. Just tell him to do everything subtly.

The moment you hear all that, you feel like doing an epic facepalm and want to move away from everything.

The fact that you are 23 is of great consequence to everyone but you. While your parents are more interested in negotiating a life partner for you, here you are, giving your exams and awaiting the next party with your friends. And the fact that you still laugh at fart jokes puts on display the mental and emotional maturity of a five year old. Maybe even that five year old is more mature? Possibly. 

Anyway, it takes a lot of time for the fact to sink in. It has been 48 hours since the trauma and it still hasn't hit home.

Now, I wonder what is going to happen on our trip down south. Stay tuned!

*I think the tags on this post will sum up my emotions right now*

The Arranged Marriage Saga: Titbits

We have this "awesome" concept of arranged marriage in India. People don't just ask you whether you are married. They go a step further and ask whether it was a love marriage or was it arranged. The only difference being you select the partner who will screw your life over in the former case and in the latter case, your parents do it for you. Thank them well.

In a regular middle class Indian family, when the girl reaches "marriageable" age, say, 22-23, the questions automatically take a different turn. Earlier, until say 20-21 years of age, the statements/ questions were something like this:
1. What do you study?
2. What is your area of interest?
3. What do you want to do in the future?
4. Be happy, healthy, study well, get a good job and then we'll take care of everything (when you touch the oldies' feet for their alleged blessings)

As you turn 23, these are the statements/ questions you get:
1. How old are you?
2. How much have you studied?
3. Jathakam edutacha? (Is your jathakam out?)
4. Are your parents looking for you? (Mind you, this ain't a game of Hide n Seek. People ask whether groom hunting by your parents is going on?)
5. What's your salary? (God forbid you have a job)
6. You are so tiny, how will you have children?

See the difference? When you are a "kid", the statements and questions are basically education and career related and peppered with "We'll take care of everything after your education and job." Once you turn 23, career takes a backseat, marriage is all it is about!

Somehow, the oldies managed to find their partner and think it is their birthright to find me one! Also, apparently, my uterus is under their dictatorship.

Anyhoo, The Arranged Marriage Saga will take you through my what-should-be-forbidden journey of arranged marriage (if it does happen). I try to find humour in anything and everything. Hopefully this doesn't get overbearing and tiring.